Just In Case I Say Anything Brilliant

Now that I'm a grad student I think my procrastination is worse

2010-09-02T06:36:00.003-05:00

Below you will find a pasted running account of my attempting to write my paper last night (which I've still got about 2.5-3 pages to finish...thankfully I have a desk job and although I don't plan to make this a habit I will be finishing what I can't finish in the next hourish once I get to work...in fact with this rain I should probably leave for work like now to get a good spot then I could just work in peace). Anyway so the journaling I did...it was the free writing unedited kind of style that I would click over and just type a little when I was feeling that procrastination bug. Please don't hold the grammar mistakes or incomplete sentences/thoughts against me...especially since I only did this for me and to see my thought process and such. Also, as it's been several months I suppose once I am done with this paper and have an spare minute I should take some time to update on my life...lots has been happening since I finished my undergrad!

Anyway...to the journaling:

Gah I hate this. It’s so stupid. 3 pages of summary and then “link it with the text.” I really think I might have been crazy to think I wanted to do this grad program. Now I’m second guessing whether I want to do ANY grad programs. I guess surely the Film Curating program would be better because it a topic I’m not only more interested in, but actually have a background for! I just feel like a lost lamb with the IR stuff because I have no previous knowledge and clearly am not a “global citizen” as Webster is always promoting.

Oh thinking about the Film Curating program that reminds me that I need to e-mail that guy and see if I can set up some type of campus visit.

Its already after midnight and I still have less than a page. Even if I can hammer out the 3 pages of summary quickly that still is only 3.5 pages. I’ll still need to do two of “linking concepts” which I just don’t know how that will go because the text book is so broad while the article is very specific. I assume that’s why she wants us to do this, but it doesn’t make it any easier! Eek! I miss being an undergrad where when I hit a block I could just go to bed and get up to finish in the morning before class. But having to work full time make that impossible. I literally have until I need to leave at 8, minus getting ready time, to get this paper done and good. Also I would actually be able to get at least a little sleep tonight. Funny, Kevin and I will probably get about the same amount, though I think he got to have a lot more fun….make that know he got to have a lot more fun.

That’s another topic though…I called him like I said I would…no answer…he immed me so I responded…nothing…10 minutes later sent another message…nothing…trying calling again…nothing. So I send a short email and literally as I’m hitting send he calls (is he psychic or something?) only last for 6 minutes though because he was needing to leave. I don’t have to have constant contact with him…and if he got more sleep then I’m glad because I worry he doesn’t get enough…but I hate when we don’t get to talk much and since he’ll be needing to catch up on sleep and I have class I probably won’t get to talk to him again until I call him when I get home from class tomorrow night. That’s an entire day! I know I should ridiculous…but I’m so used to getting to talk to him so much…and I just love talking to him, it really brightens my whole day.

It should not be this hard to focus and summarize. I’ve got the paper in front of me. Lots of highlights that I really just need to paraphrase and compile. I’m on page 6 in the article…and the first ¼ of the second page in my paper. I think I’m doing all right length comparison wise…but this time is killing me. And really I just want to sleep. I think if I were like 4 pages in I would and say fuck it I’ll finish later. But unfortunately I’m so far behind…not even behind where I should be, but also where I thought I would be…that I just can’t risk not finishing it. Technically I guess I could sneak some work on it at work tomorrow. But again, terrified I wouldn’t quite get there. You see how long this is taking. Then again maybe my problem is just that I’m blocked and not able to focus on this and a couple hours of sleep would be good for me…

How is it that its so easy to write my thoughts out here but not in my paper. Can I just not collect my thoughts on Chinese Nationalism is that the problem?

Also I’m starting to get that hazy feeling where I know I’m here and working on something but other things pop in my head so I’m sure I’ll write some really weird stuff in my paper (and here of course) before I am able to get back on track.

Ok I think I’m going to try and finish page two and see how I feel. I really might need to just sleep on this some and write in the morning. If I get up at like 4…that’s a good 2.5 hours of writing before my shower and another half hour or so as I dry off. Then if absolutely necessary I will finish at work. Jawana will be at the front so she won’t be looking over my shoulder. I’ve typed 411 more words in here than my actual paper. This is getting ridiculous.

Well its 5 am and I woke up at 4 magically one minute before the alarm so I didn’t actually have to hear it. I’ve finished about a page and a quarter since waking up which isn’t too bad but really isn’t fast enough either. I have to get up and shower in about an hour and a half…so at this rate when I get up I would be on my 6^th page but not quite done. On the other hand, as slow as this summary is going I am sure the analysis will take even longer/be harder. Again, the books is only using broad generalized topics in nationalism…while this article is creating a whole new theory. (sigh)

Have you ever noticed how when you have to write a paper you magically have to use the restroom like 200% more?

Also, I seem to have had a weird dream in my short 3 hours “nap” it was about work and the people from CIE (Debbie Pierce) were in Admissions for some reason and they were using our mailing supplies which was weird. Also I can tell there was another part or another dream…but I can’t seem to recall anything from that one to share.

I can hear that my mom is kind of up. I don’t want her to know that I’m working on my paper and my procrastination habits have not improved one bit. Not that is really matters…she can’t do anything about it at this point.

why yes I am still procrastinating

2009-12-14T20:40:00.002-06:00

So last night I did not finish my paper as intended...big surprise. I don't understand why its so hard for me. I'm stuck in a lull on the 12th page...not even halfway through. I think have plenty of quotes to incorporate and two entire sections left to write (not that they alone will make up the 18 pages, but they'd at least show me what I'm actually lacking). I hope I can manage to stay up and do this tonight...last night I couldn't stay awake. Maybe being a little more in crisis mode tonight will help. I did get 11 pages written today so that's good I guess...assuming I can get myself to focus and get out of this rut I think I can finish it before I have to be at work at 830.

Anyway so what I'm distracting myself (stupidly) with, besides this blog, is looking at cameras. I think this will probably be the next camera I purchase: http://www.usa.canon.com/consumer/controller?act=ModelInfoAct&fcategoryid=139&modelid=19356#ModelFeaturesAct

It looks pretty nice and has all the features I want but is on the lower end of their higher end models if that makes sense. I have got to put off (wow my procrastination reaches everywhere in my life doesn't it?) selling my ipods. I have two sitting around I want to list on craigslist. Guess I can list my rebel too once I have enough money to buy up.

Ok ok back to work for real now. Goal: 15 pages by 10? maybe, we'll see. I am hoping once I hit the halfway mark it'll feel like I really can do it and maybe the rest will come easier?

Still behind...

2009-12-13T15:23:00.003-06:00

Well I'm still behind...wanted to e-mail the paper yesterday and I'm not done writing it yet. I felt guilty spending the entire weekend cooped up in here while my aunt and grandma were here so I took longer study breaks then I really should have. Plus I also went to the barn for about an hour and a half...then we went out to lunch on Saturday and church and lunch today. Plus despite my intentions to stay up all night last night I just couldn't seem to do it. I may have no choice tonight, so here's hoping I can make that work.

I discovered a neat trick though that will com in handy when it comes time to edit my paper...text-to-speech. If my old Mac OS had it I wasn't aware of it but this one def does. I can't figure out how to access it directly from Word...but I can copy and paste say into this textbox and then select it and click speech > start speaking. I am thinking that will cut down on my typos that I don't catch since my brain just reads them how they are supposed to be and Word doesn't catch them because they are real words just not the word I wanted to type.

My mom and I were talking today and she agreed to buy the Adobe Production Premium software package for me! Its only $400 for a student compared to $1700 retail! Then, we were talking about how people in big cities are thinner because they walk everywhere instead of drive. So she's like maybe we should sell the house and just get an apartment in a bigger city somewhere and I was like San Francisco...those hills would shed the pounds fast! And she's like I want to lose weight, not die so she decided she'd like to move to Colorado haha. I'm sure she was just kidding and this will never come to fruition, but it would be cool to move somewhere exciting. Since they moved me around as a kid I don't have any strong ties to anywhere really and I'd like to have input on a city and home choice if I'm going to still live with her fo awhile (which I plan on until I know for sure where I want to settle for good and what I want to do with my life).

Ok back to work for real now...I am quickly reaching the point of no return and if I don't have the paper done by then I have no hope of graduating this month!

Wow...number three

2009-12-10T19:37:00.004-06:00

I'm on a roll today aren't I? And its the single worst day to be on said roll. I've been finishing my research pretty much all day. I thought I had taken notes on more of these sources then I had...but apparently I didn't or I lost the notes or something...so I've been playing catch up. Ideally I would still like to finish it tomorrow but as that is looking less and less likely I'd settle for Saturday. Then I can e-mail it directly to my advisor and say that I'm dropping off a hard copy Monday morning for her convenience. That gives her all weekend and all next week before grades are do...and I'm just going to have to hope that's ok since I don't have a firm due date. And frankly, for me thats early. Since I'm such a procrastinator I can't believe I'll even have it done before the last day of finals or something...but I will. I WILL finish it this weekend if it kills me. Besides, I think she'll actually prefer the e-mailed copy because then she can upload it to turnitin.com like she's done for all the classes I've taken with her.

Also I just checked my grades and if I can pull off two As and an A- I will graduate with a 3.5...two A-s and an A gives me a 3.498 which for all intensive purposes is a 3.5. So basically if I don't get a B on anything I'm good. Although I actually won't be too disappointed if I don't quite hit the 3.5 because I think anything over a 3.0 is decent. I mean look at Webster's grad school...its a 2.5 to be fully accepted, 2.0 for probational acceptance. And I looked into University of Illinois-Champaign/Urbana once and theirs was a 3.0. So as long as I don't fail anything I should be all right haha.

Ok back to work...I was just putting off reading through this 120 document I found through another document I read. Looking into other's resources can be really helpful...but it may not be the smartest idea when it is this last minute!

Back already?

2009-12-10T12:46:00.004-06:00

I know I know...two posts in less then an hour when I should be writing is bad. But I did a free writing exercise (started as wanting to see how fast I could type a page if I knew what I was saying, but I ran out of things I knew to say and so it turned into how fast I could BS a page without using sources haha). I remember the exercises from high school. Although I didn't say much of anything about my topic and maybe shouldn't share it I am going to anyway. I may do another if I need it later...we'll see.

This is to test how much I can realistically write in what amount of time if I know what it is I want to say. I need to write thirty pages, using sources. I want to know how fast I can write a page. Also, maybe this free writing will be my creative juices flowing. Wow, that’s kind of a disgusting phrase in all reality. Anyway, so I am writing a paper on film archiving and access. I want to touch both on past practices including nitrate and acetate film and their preservation processes. However, since this is my overview and my last assignment before entering the “real world” I need to know about the future as well. So I am concentrating most of my energy (at least hopefully) on digital film which is a current trend. I want to talk about how movie theatres, such as Wehrenberg here in St. Louis, have moved to including digital projection in their repertoire. I want to talk about Netflix and how they have introduced their instant watch option, which means they have uploaded digital files to host on their website that members can access from their home computers and even some devices such as blu-ray players and Xbox game systems. I think I will stay away from the differences in DVDs and Blu-ray’s because they are the same thing with quality differences. As best, I could use them as an example of improving quality and technologies. So far I have been writing for five minutes and am almost to the end of a page. This is good. It means if I can stay focused and get all of my notes prepared and ready to go and rely mostly onmy brain and fingers I just might can pull this off and turn it in on Friday. That is my ultimate goal. Give Kathy a week to grade it, which is a week longer then she’s gotten on all the 10 page papers I’ve written for her. Besides, she never gave me an actual due date – although this is my fault because I’ve been a terrible student and not turned in the draft I meant to (obviously because I haven’t written it). I think I will include a letter to her saying how much I’ve enjoyed being her student in the classes I’ve taken and how I’m sorry that I was so flakey with these self-proclaimed due dates but that I hope it doesn’t reflect negatively on me because the whole time I’ve just basically be scared to graduate. It may sound like a suck up letter, but as long as its honest then I won’t really care. I want to drop a hard copy off in her box by Friday afternoon as well as e-mailing a copy to her. I don’t know if that will happen since that gives me a totally of 28 hours until it HAS to be there. And I’m selfish, so I would like to get at least a little sleep. Although, I don’t guess that’s totally necessary. I have tea and hot cocoa and food to keep me sustained all night if I have to. Well it has been 11 minutes and I’ve written a page and a half, 544 words (until I typed 544 that is). And it gives me hope because even if multiply that by 5 its just under an hour a page and I already have one page written and the last will be a conclusion so it will probably go about as fast as this. And I KNOW that some of the pages even with stopping to look at notes won’t take an hour. On the other hand, my concern is writer’s block and being able to actually write 30 whole pages worth. Ideally it should be a little longer so I don’t look like too much of an underachiever. And if def can’t be under 30 like I’m known to do because it’s my SENIOR OVERVIEW! The good news however is that my paper will have footnotes (I’ve decided I like them better than parenthetical citations) so some pages will actually be shorter then a page. This is another reason I want it to be a little more then 30 pages too. Man it is so cold here. My nose feels like its about the fall off. Ok nearing two full pages. When I calculate that time I will cut it in half and maybe that will be a better indication of time, because the last one I over estimated since it was a page and a half but I calculated it as 11 minutes for each page. Although I don’t guess it matters since it looks like its going to take almost 20 minutes for both pages. Ok it was 17 minutes for 2 pages…so 8.5 minutes a page. That times 5 is 42.5 minutes a page times 30 is 1275 minutes which is 21.25 hours. Better numbers…that could give me a could hours sleep haha. Ok well I’m done with the free-writing exercise. I think I most post this on my blog too. And maybe a part two if I get stuck later. I should have done a free writing based just on my topic. That might have actually been helpful :/

Ok posting this as is no edits so I don’t care if it’s bad.

Talk about overwhelming

2009-12-10T12:07:00.003-06:00

I am working on my Senior Overview and just have to take a break.

I am a notorious procrastinator and this is a huge problem for this overview...in part because it is 30 pages long and in part because I've picked a topic with an overwhelming amount of information. I have been reading and taking notes here and there throughout the semester (between work for other classes that seemed more imminent)...but it seems each way I turn there are more resources to look at, more information to read. Quite frankly I'm running out of time quickly and am wishing I had picked another topic. Though I'm sure any topic I would have picked would have had just as much information to find.

Despite the fact that I've read and ton and continue to learn more...I feel stuck in the writing department. I don't know where to start, I don't know how to formulate everything I'm reading into a cohesive 30 page paper that says more then just regurgitating all of the notes I've taken.

One problem I have is that everything is digital...which is ironic since that's my topic (only in terms of film, not research materials). It is such a current topic that few books have been written on the subject and even fewer that I've had access to through my school library network. This means I get to use the article database on my school's website which was previously my favorite tool as a procrastinator. Unfortunately I find myself missing being surrounded my books frantically flipping pages looking for just the write quote to insert into my paper. Instead I'm switching between windows on my laptop (which leads to tempting distractions like facebook, and apparently my blog...since I can't disable the internet or I would disable most of my sources also). I am thinking it might be easier to take my laptop into the office and use the desktop for the materials and my laptop for typing (since the desktop still doesn't have word on it). But that requires finding all the sites again on the desktop (which are saved as bookmarks on here) which would be time consuming...though I probably could have had it done by now if I weren't writing this blog.

This is the only thing standing between me and graduation...its should be no problem to write it so I can be done...why does it feel so much like torture?!

Where has this year gone?

2009-12-06T21:42:00.002-06:00

Well I found a template I like for the blog thats more interesting than the one that was on here. Also, my pictures from the last post disappeared when I tried to make the font match a little better so I'll have to fix that soon (though I don't think I feel like it tonight).

Realistically I only have 5 more class periods until I am done with college. This is terrifying...I feel like I'm not ready to finish the semester, like I have a lot to do still, and above all like I'm not ready to join the "real world"

But, honestly, I've made it through the past four years and although it may mean a couple of sleepless nights (and maybe a few hours where I shut the internet off so I can't get on Facebook) I know I will get everything done and it will all work out for the best. This weekend has been completely shot because I kept telling myself one more movie and then I'll get to work...and then Saturday I started sneezing and thought it was allergies but my Zyrtec did nothing...and when I took tylenol cold medicine it helped, but I was fine all day today. So, I'm not really sure what exactly it was but I'm glad that I'm not actually sick in a way that will mess up school.

Today I went to church with my mom because it was the choir's Christmas Cantata. It made me a little sad because it reminded me a lot of my dad, but the music was great and I'm glad I went. Then after church we went to the mall for a bit (but didn't buy anything even though I think my mom is pretty close to buying some uggs, can you believe it?) and then to see New Moon. We both agree that it (and the books) are pretty bad, but its mindless entertainment and its good to enjoy that once in awhile.

Well my schedule is monday: work 830-130, class 2-450, work out 6-630, dinner and then homework all night. I have papers due tuesday, wednesday, my overview I want to have dropped off/e-mailed by Friday, and then one more paper and a test to study for next monday, and a test next tuesday too. I really need to money, but I may have to not go into work a couple of days...I'm just not sure how I can afford to lose those 5 hours a day...but i *really* need the money if I expect to get anything for my mom for christmas...so I guess we'll see. Maybe I can compromise and use the time early in the week wisely and make up the hours on friday or something?

Finally, it is snowing right now and although I don't know yet how my car will handle snow and I'm not 100% ready for it to be that far in winter...I am glad. I love watching the snow even if it was only for a couple of minutes out my back door.

Christmas Season is upon us

2009-12-02T13:48:00.007-06:00

Wow...I may just not be cut out for this blogging thing. I never can seem to find the discipline to write regularly. It's too bad...it would be nice to have a record of things I did or saw that I might want to remember someday. Thankfully I do have pictures on my flickr to keep the memories flowing.
I had a pretty busy summer. I applied for a job at Webster University and didn't get it. In hindsight I think I'm happier that I didn't. The girls who did seem pretty miserable and the work keeps piling up but no matter how much they do its not enough. Actually, it's pretty miserable as just a work study too. There are a ton of transcripts every day, we've lost one, we may be losing two more, and although they are keeping me on for a yet undetermined length of time after graduation there's no way I could do it all on my own! There is a light at the end of the tunnel however! I've been informed that a temporary position will open up as a coordinator under my favorite boss ever and I have been encouraged to apply once it is open. So I will...then I'll cross my fingers, try not to be nervous at the interview, and hopefully they'll see what as asset I can be since I come halfway pre-trained. It would be temporary (which means no benefits) until May 31st, and then they will decide whether to keep the person on full time or not. To be honest this works out well for me either way (except the part where I need benefits). If it is just temporary it gives me a solid 5 months of work with good pay and its real world experience to put on my resume when I do job hunt. On the other hand, if it becomes a full time position that would be great because I would get benefits and could get my Master's degree for free...plus the person it is replacing was moved up to a counselor position and although working on Webster's staff isn't my dream life if I was going to be stuck in St. Louis its one of my best options.
Also over the summer, I bought a horse! Well half a horse, my friend and I bought him together. He was a pain for awhile...right after we got him he got injured and cost us over $1000 in vet bills (thankfully we both had jobs and were able to split the cost otherwise I don't know what we would have done). Now we have him at a stable that he is doing well at and I'm learning how to ride him (his trot is MUCH faster than Sierra, the horse I learned/am learning to ride on). I spent Thanksgiving morning with him:
Yeah...he's huge. If any of you are familiar with "horsespeak" he's 15.1 hands...I think. We haven't personally measured him but I am pretty sure that's what the lady said when we bought him. He soooo expensive and every time I write checks I think what did I get myself into? But then when I spend time with him (even when he's a brat) I can't imagine not having him anymore. Sure hope I get a real job soon haha because as long as I live with my mom his expenses won't be so painful!
In September I went to San Francisco. My friend Carmen and I flew from our respective cities and met up with a friend from school Cameron who was living out there at the time. I had an absolute blast. I think its my favorite vacation to date (excluding London, but that was a temporary move more then it was a vacation...I don't think 4 months in another country is a vacation in any culture haha).

Also this year I got a new car

and a new cat. Her name is Daphne and she's adorable though a bit of a terror sometimes haha

And that brings us to graduation coming up in a couple weeks. I'll be done with school, so weird. Lastly on that note of being a bad blogger....I've decided that after graduation (and probably the first of the year) I'm going to do a movie review blog. 100 movies, 100 days. That's the goal anyway...here's to hoping I can stick to it!

College is almost over...

2009-04-03T12:43:00.003-05:00

I may still be here for another semester...but it has really been hitting me this week how close I am to being thrown out into the "real world." It is kind of nerve-wracking to be honest. I met with my advisor and made my last schedule as an undergrad ever. And considering I'll probably only get a master's if I am hired at Webster...possibly my last class schedule *ever*! I'm in the middle of trying to set up an appointment with the internship coordinator so I can get some work experience so I know at least some of what I'm getting myself into. The good news is Kathy (who I've taken several classes with and is my advisor) told me that several of the interns with the St. Louis International Film Festival have been hired on after graduation....that is pretty awesome news since that's where I'm probably going to try to intern...and what I want to do with my life. I had really been hoping for the Big Sky Film Festival, but since the festival itself is in February and I will be graduating in December that is likely not a possibility. I don't really know yet though, I need to get this e-mail back to set up an appointment. And then I'll know more.

In other news, my sister wants all three of us kids to get a tattoo in honor of Dad next year on his birthday (since its April 18th, its too late to really plan it for this year). I want to get something but I'm not sure if we'll all be able to agree on something or how they would feel if we all got something different. I kind of think we should each get something that was special between us and Dad...but I don't know...and quite frankly I don't think its something Dad would have wanted and I know my Mom won't approve. This is kind of what I was thinking of getting...

I dunno though. We'll see. I have a year to think about it right?

Anyway, I don't guess I have too much else to say, I should be getting back to stuffing the 245 envelopes I've been working on for an hour and a half.

Bad things happen to good people

2009-02-19T21:57:00.002-06:00

Well I'm beginning to think the Mayan's or Aztec's or whoever really had something with this whole world ending in 2012 thing...so far 2009 is going down the toilet for like everyone I know.

My poor friend Kayla last her cat two weekends ago and her mom just this week. The wake is tomorrow and even though wakes and viewings of bodies freak me out a little bit I'm going to go for her because I want her to know I'm here if she needs anything. Who would have thought we'd both lose a parent within a month of each other...its absolutely insane.
I'm convinced that Murphy's Law and the old adage of "when it rains it pours" are absolutely true.
Let's recap my world for the past few months to investigate this claim.
-Fall: my dad's health begins to decline dramatically, we are afraid it is Alzheimer's...we receive news that my uncle has an aggressive stage 5 prostate cancer that has metastasized (aka spread to his bones).
-Winter: My dad is diagnosed with probable Transmissible Spongiform Encepholopathy, dies less them a month later. My brother's step son in law is shot and spends the same night in the emergency room my dad did (though thankfully Robert, the son in law, lived). Just before my dad's memorial service my uncle gets some type of virus or infection and has to go to the emergency room with a high fever...thankfully he's able to come for the service. My best friend is apparently upset with me and sends me a list a things she doesn't like about me and though I responded I haven't heard from her sense so I suppose we've "broken up"? I find out about Kayla's mom's diagnosis. Northern Arkansas has a terrible ice storm and many are without power for a week (or in some cases weeks)...this include my grandma's house and my hometown, which complicated burial arrangements. My car battery dies and my mom's glasses break (both small but when part of the bigger picture they certainly feel bigger then they are). Kayla's cat and then a couple weeks later her mom die.
I'm actually pretty sure there are more but those are the events freshest in my mind.

Of course this isn't to say some good things haven't happened. But I think sometimes its harder to appreciate those good moments in the midst of tragedy. Of course Pete Wentz says it best in his lyrics for I Don't Care , "The best of us can find happiness in misery." I know the situation is a little different in the song, but that has been my mantra for the past few months. Although things seem to be going to hell in a handbasket...I need to step back and realize the things that make me happy and that I am thankful for.

I sound pretty whiney which isn't good :/
So I'll end here with saying how much my heart goes out to Kayla. What I went through/am going through is tough....but I know its got to be so much harder on her because first off its her mom so that difficult by itself...but on top of that I know there have been strained relations between her and her dad and some extended family and she's an only child so she has no siblings to lean on. So I hope that her fiance and his family are there to support her and help her through this. I can fathom losing my mother...especially if she might as well be the only parent I had. However, I know how horrible cancer is and so I am thankful that although it is terrible to lose a parent prematurely...at least she didnt have to watch that horrible disease hold on to her mom for too long. It sounds crass but in some situations sooner is better because it means less suffering.

What a depressing day..and now I have to concentrate on homework? *sigh* if only life could be put on hold once in a while.

Valentine's Day 2009

2009-02-14T19:59:00.002-06:00

Well it is my first Valentine's day without my dad. There will be a bunch of these days this year...but today was pretty hard because I can see how painful it is for my mom, and also my dad always got me the best Valentine's cards. My mom and I exchanged little gifts. I got her a box of chocolates and 2 kitchen tongs cause she only had one super old pair so these seemed useful. I also got her a card from Kai as well as one from me...which basically expressed how much I love and appreciate her and how I wouldn't have been able to handle the past few months without her. It made me cry when I wrote and and it made her cry when she read it. But I think its healthy for us to cry sometimes and just kind of get out emotions out. She gave me some money for a new pair of jeans (which I need)...and some cute dollar store stuff with a pink theme (like a picture frame, socks, some toe separators, and such) and a box of chocolate kisses. I got Kai this adorable monkey from Petsmart with crinkle stuff in the hand a feet and a squeaker in the head. He loved it...he loved it so much he's already ripped stuff out of it. I swear this is the most destructive Yorkie in history!! Oh, I also went and got my mom and I each a ticket to the AMC Theaters Oscar event thing. I'm pretty excited for that! It'll be a long day but it is sure to be lots of fun!

My World is Crashing Around Me

2009-02-09T18:28:00.002-06:00

Well I haven't updated like I meant to. But I think I've had relatively good reasons.
Since my last/first post a lot of things have happened.
My dad's illness continued to get exponentially worse ending in his death at about 6:10 AM January 20th, 2009. The last weekend of his life he began vomiting basically uncontrollably. And we called asking for advice at the hospital and they just told us things we already knew to do and wanted us to wait it out a couple days. We agreed since we were supposed to take him in Tuesday morning anyway for a sleep study and to meet with a social worker about placing him in palliative care hospice. Well just before midnight it got to the point where we just couldn't keep him safe and clean the messes at the same time because the vomiting was too frequent so we called 911 and had an ambulance come to take him to Barnes-Jewish. We waited in the ER for several hours and finally my mom sent me home to get some sleep since I had to be at work and class the next morning. I got him and a couple hours later my mom calls here and says that hes passed away. Even though I knew he was getting worse fast it was still really unexpected and fast. We held a memorial service that Saturday (Jan. 24th) and will be going down to Arkansas to bury his ashes in Paragould in a week (on Feb 16th). It feels a little strung out but it worked out for the best timing wise because it meant my uncle could be there between chemo treatments and Northern Arkansas just had a really bad ice storm but now its been warmer and its been thawing out and people have power again. So we couldn't really have done it much earlier because of the weather. Its something I'm still kind of getting used to, although I've been greiving for a long time because of the nature of the illness so I think I'm closer to accepting it then I would be if it had been sudden.

Then about a week after my dad died my best friend posted a comment on a message board that wa clearly directed at me, and was rather hurtful. So a replied via e-mail to which I received a lengthy response that I felt attacked me, which was also hurtful. Some comments were probably justified, but I really think in general it was a case of someone expecting me to be someone that I'm just not. I replied and spoke my mind honestly because I don't want any regrets and I don't want to hold anything back in my life because I've seen first hand out easily life can be taken away before you even know it. I have yet to receive a response to my e-mail and its been a week and 3 days. So I don't really know where that friendship stands...whether its on hold or non-existent :/. It been kind of eating me up inside since there are few people I feel comfortable discussing the situation with...and its not like its a situation where I'm like so and so is such a horrible person I can't believe she did this. Because its really both of us I think...kind of like that quote: "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them too doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have." I think that probably applies to both of us. Although, I have to admit I thought the timing was kind of distasteful but whatever that kind of flows with the kind of life I've been having since about last October.

Then of course some other less tragic things have happened. Though in light of the last two paragraphs they had certainly contributed to the feeling of my world falling apart.
First my car battery died...missing half my french class before the test because of it kind of sucked (though thankfully I pulled off a B on the test, but it would have been a c+ if not for the curve :/)...and it cost 123 dollars but thankfully my mom paid for it I think because she knows I'm trying to save money for my roadtrip with my sister and nieces.
Then I found out that a good friend from freshman year (though we don't keep as closely in touch as we did then I still care for her) mom has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and has been given until March to live. My heart really goes out to her. I can honestly say I know what its like to lose a parent now...but I can't imagine losing my mom...especially since her dad hasn't exactly been "in the picture" for several years now. My strong support system is the only thing that got me through my dad's illness and death and I hope that she has found a similarly strong support system in her fiance and his family. We are supposed to get together sometime for old time's sake soon. I certainly understand feeling the need for a touch of nostalgia when your world crashes around you. Its nice to think bac to happier more stable times.
The also today it was announced that the drummer left one of my favorite bands, Envy on the Coast. Which got me thinking about how long its been since I've seen them. And that got me thinking about how long its been since I've seen Cartel. And that just generally made me sad about the lack on concerts I've been to lately and how little I am able to see my favorites.

Though this isn't to say that I've spent the past month and few days since my last post moping and being depressed 24/7. I like to think I've only been spending a healthy amount of time moping. Like the Fall Out Boy lyric, "The best of us can find happiness in misery." How true that has been lately. Its been a struggle to find happiness but I'm managing. I went out to dinner and shopping with Emily and Megan Saturday night which was really nice. Its I believe the first time I've left the house for something other then school/work/necessity/family...it was nice to just see a couple of friends and have things return to normal a little. I got some nice yoga/workout pants and agreed to meet with Emily at 730 Tuesday and Thursday mornings at the school gym (because I have to work at 830 and there is no one there that early haha) and some cute shoes on sale.
Also, I got to focus some energy on putting together a care package for my friend who had brain surgery to remove a cyst from her brain from the office that we both work in. It was pretty fun and I even had to end up finding a bigger box then I thought I'd need AND my boss said we could just send it from school since so many people contributed to it and it wouldn't be fair for me to pay to ship the box when just a couple things were from me. It felt good to be able to do something nice for her. She's in Ohio so its not like I can go visit so this is something I can do to hopefully help make her recovery time less boring.
I had tossed around the idea for a bit to go to Paris and Vienna for Spring Break as part of a class because I know it would count towards my International Studies Certificate and it sounded like financial aid would cover some of it. But I ended up deciding against it...partially because my mom said she was a little worried about me going that far away so soon after losing my dad...and also because the fees I thought would be reduced some by financial aid weren't really...so I told my mom that we should start saving money and take trips together and she agreed. So that's exciting. I can't wait until we get to go somewhere exciting!
Also, my dog's obedience classes are going relatively well. The first week was nervewracking because he was definitely the worst dog in the class haha but he has already improved quite a bit which is really great. He's pretty good at sit and down and even got stay pretty well on the first try! Though he kind of reverts back if he has a lot of distractions, but it is really encouraging that he can do any of it because I've never trained a dog before! Plus, he just turned 1 year on February 2nd so my mom and I got him a coupel things like a new collar, some treats, and a couple of toys. He'll also be getting a belated birthday present whenever I get around to getting it...a Cardinals baseball jersey. Here's what it looks like:How cute is that? It even matches the Wainright jersey I have! Which is pretty perfect if you as me. And we can wear them all summer and be all cutsey. I always said if/when I have a kid I'm going to dress them in adorable Cardinals stuff and since Kai is basically my child its only fitting I treat him as such :). At some point in the future I'll probably end up with the collar and leash too. What can I say, I was raised a Cardinals fan and I've certainly got to keep up the tradition my dad passed on to me.

Well I guess that's about all I have the capacity to write now. So hopefully I'll be back soon, and in less then a month and a few days. Off to bed so I'm not dead when I wake up at the crack of dawn in the morning...I may have been insane to agree to 830 :/

A New Beginning

2009-01-02T00:05:00.000-06:00

Well here I am attempting to start another blog. The last one, which should have been a way to capture memories of a semester abroad, failed. It is still up of course http://apklondon.blogspot.com/ but it turned out to be quite a disappointment. It was just almost a year ago that I created that blog. How much things can change in a single year amazes me.

I've decided to create this new blog to keep track of my thoughts and feelings in this new year. It is sure to be an intense year due to the fact that my college graduation is looming ahead in December and my father is ill possibly with an extremely rare disease that may or may not be genetic.

So let's jump right in shall we?

This is me:

Ok so it was 9 months ago...but still me.

This is my precious 11 month old Yorkshire Terrier, Kai:

He's named after Caerus the personification of opportunity, luck and favorable moments. I chose the Kairos spelling mostly so it would be less confusing and easier to pronounce, especially shortened, and because I like the way it looks better. It's less a name as an idea I guess you'd say? But I like it and he took to it quickly so that's that.

Well, since it is New Year's Day, or at least was when I got my laptop with the intention to write this, it seems fitting to write down my New Year's Resolutions.

New Year's Resolutions 2009
- To be more patient, especially with my dad since I know he can't help what he does that frustrates me.
- To actually use the WiiFit I got rather than letting it sit there and collect dust like most things I've own that are of the exercise genre.
- To begin compiling a list of life goals I always come up with and write them down instead of relying on my horrible memory.
- To save enough money to be able to afford the trip to Seattle with my nieces and sister without putting anything on my credit card or needing to ask my mom for money.
- To be consistent in training Kai once the obedience classes start on January 17th.
- To socialize Kai better so he doesn't go berserk when my neighbor's mom's dogs come and stay next door for a few days.
- To take more pictures and not hesitate to just go out somedays with nothing but taking pictures as my intention.
- Finally, to update this blog at least twice a month, though with intentions to update even more often then that.

Well that seems like enough for a first entry and the beginning of a new year. Perhaps in my next update I'll have something worth saying about my dad's illness and/or I'll tell the story of how I adopted Kai/why his name is Kai.

Until then...have a Happy New Year!