Now that I'm a grad student I think my procrastination is worse

Below you will find a pasted running account of my attempting to write my paper last night (which I've still got about 2.5-3 pages to finish...thankfully I have a desk job and although I don't plan to make this a habit I will be finishing what I can't finish in the next hourish once I get to work...in fact with this rain I should probably leave for work like now to get a good spot then I could just work in peace). Anyway so the journaling I did...it was the free writing unedited kind of style that I would click over and just type a little when I was feeling that procrastination bug. Please don't hold the grammar mistakes or incomplete sentences/thoughts against me...especially since I only did this for me and to see my thought process and such. Also, as it's been several months I suppose once I am done with this paper and have an spare minute I should take some time to update on my life...lots has been happening since I finished my undergrad!

Anyway...to the journaling:

Gah I hate this. It’s so stupid. 3 pages of summary and then “link it with the text.” I really think I might have been crazy to think I wanted to do this grad program. Now I’m second guessing whether I want to do ANY grad programs. I guess surely the Film Curating program would be better because it a topic I’m not only more interested in, but actually have a background for! I just feel like a lost lamb with the IR stuff because I have no previous knowledge and clearly am not a “global citizen” as Webster is always promoting.

Oh thinking about the Film Curating program that reminds me that I need to e-mail that guy and see if I can set up some type of campus visit.

Its already after midnight and I still have less than a page. Even if I can hammer out the 3 pages of summary quickly that still is only 3.5 pages. I’ll still need to do two of “linking concepts” which I just don’t know how that will go because the text book is so broad while the article is very specific. I assume that’s why she wants us to do this, but it doesn’t make it any easier! Eek! I miss being an undergrad where when I hit a block I could just go to bed and get up to finish in the morning before class. But having to work full time make that impossible. I literally have until I need to leave at 8, minus getting ready time, to get this paper done and good. Also I would actually be able to get at least a little sleep tonight. Funny, Kevin and I will probably get about the same amount, though I think he got to have a lot more fun….make that know he got to have a lot more fun.

That’s another topic though…I called him like I said I would…no answer…he immed me so I responded…nothing…10 minutes later sent another message…nothing…trying calling again…nothing. So I send a short email and literally as I’m hitting send he calls (is he psychic or something?) only last for 6 minutes though because he was needing to leave. I don’t have to have constant contact with him…and if he got more sleep then I’m glad because I worry he doesn’t get enough…but I hate when we don’t get to talk much and since he’ll be needing to catch up on sleep and I have class I probably won’t get to talk to him again until I call him when I get home from class tomorrow night. That’s an entire day! I know I should ridiculous…but I’m so used to getting to talk to him so much…and I just love talking to him, it really brightens my whole day.

It should not be this hard to focus and summarize. I’ve got the paper in front of me. Lots of highlights that I really just need to paraphrase and compile. I’m on page 6 in the article…and the first ¼ of the second page in my paper. I think I’m doing all right length comparison wise…but this time is killing me. And really I just want to sleep. I think if I were like 4 pages in I would and say fuck it I’ll finish later. But unfortunately I’m so far behind…not even behind where I should be, but also where I thought I would be…that I just can’t risk not finishing it. Technically I guess I could sneak some work on it at work tomorrow. But again, terrified I wouldn’t quite get there. You see how long this is taking. Then again maybe my problem is just that I’m blocked and not able to focus on this and a couple hours of sleep would be good for me…

How is it that its so easy to write my thoughts out here but not in my paper. Can I just not collect my thoughts on Chinese Nationalism is that the problem?

Also I’m starting to get that hazy feeling where I know I’m here and working on something but other things pop in my head so I’m sure I’ll write some really weird stuff in my paper (and here of course) before I am able to get back on track.

Ok I think I’m going to try and finish page two and see how I feel. I really might need to just sleep on this some and write in the morning. If I get up at like 4…that’s a good 2.5 hours of writing before my shower and another half hour or so as I dry off. Then if absolutely necessary I will finish at work. Jawana will be at the front so she won’t be looking over my shoulder. I’ve typed 411 more words in here than my actual paper. This is getting ridiculous.

Well its 5 am and I woke up at 4 magically one minute before the alarm so I didn’t actually have to hear it. I’ve finished about a page and a quarter since waking up which isn’t too bad but really isn’t fast enough either. I have to get up and shower in about an hour and a half…so at this rate when I get up I would be on my 6^th page but not quite done. On the other hand, as slow as this summary is going I am sure the analysis will take even longer/be harder. Again, the books is only using broad generalized topics in nationalism…while this article is creating a whole new theory. (sigh)

Have you ever noticed how when you have to write a paper you magically have to use the restroom like 200% more?

Also, I seem to have had a weird dream in my short 3 hours “nap” it was about work and the people from CIE (Debbie Pierce) were in Admissions for some reason and they were using our mailing supplies which was weird. Also I can tell there was another part or another dream…but I can’t seem to recall anything from that one to share.

I can hear that my mom is kind of up. I don’t want her to know that I’m working on my paper and my procrastination habits have not improved one bit. Not that is really matters…she can’t do anything about it at this point.