My World is Crashing Around Me

Well I haven't updated like I meant to. But I think I've had relatively good reasons.
Since my last/first post a lot of things have happened.
My dad's illness continued to get exponentially worse ending in his death at about 6:10 AM January 20th, 2009. The last weekend of his life he began vomiting basically uncontrollably. And we called asking for advice at the hospital and they just told us things we already knew to do and wanted us to wait it out a couple days. We agreed since we were supposed to take him in Tuesday morning anyway for a sleep study and to meet with a social worker about placing him in palliative care hospice. Well just before midnight it got to the point where we just couldn't keep him safe and clean the messes at the same time because the vomiting was too frequent so we called 911 and had an ambulance come to take him to Barnes-Jewish. We waited in the ER for several hours and finally my mom sent me home to get some sleep since I had to be at work and class the next morning. I got him and a couple hours later my mom calls here and says that hes passed away. Even though I knew he was getting worse fast it was still really unexpected and fast. We held a memorial service that Saturday (Jan. 24th) and will be going down to Arkansas to bury his ashes in Paragould in a week (on Feb 16th). It feels a little strung out but it worked out for the best timing wise because it meant my uncle could be there between chemo treatments and Northern Arkansas just had a really bad ice storm but now its been warmer and its been thawing out and people have power again. So we couldn't really have done it much earlier because of the weather. Its something I'm still kind of getting used to, although I've been greiving for a long time because of the nature of the illness so I think I'm closer to accepting it then I would be if it had been sudden.

Then about a week after my dad died my best friend posted a comment on a message board that wa clearly directed at me, and was rather hurtful. So a replied via e-mail to which I received a lengthy response that I felt attacked me, which was also hurtful. Some comments were probably justified, but I really think in general it was a case of someone expecting me to be someone that I'm just not. I replied and spoke my mind honestly because I don't want any regrets and I don't want to hold anything back in my life because I've seen first hand out easily life can be taken away before you even know it. I have yet to receive a response to my e-mail and its been a week and 3 days. So I don't really know where that friendship stands...whether its on hold or non-existent :/. It been kind of eating me up inside since there are few people I feel comfortable discussing the situation with...and its not like its a situation where I'm like so and so is such a horrible person I can't believe she did this. Because its really both of us I think...kind of like that quote: "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them too doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have." I think that probably applies to both of us. Although, I have to admit I thought the timing was kind of distasteful but whatever that kind of flows with the kind of life I've been having since about last October.

Then of course some other less tragic things have happened. Though in light of the last two paragraphs they had certainly contributed to the feeling of my world falling apart.
First my car battery died...missing half my french class before the test because of it kind of sucked (though thankfully I pulled off a B on the test, but it would have been a c+ if not for the curve :/)...and it cost 123 dollars but thankfully my mom paid for it I think because she knows I'm trying to save money for my roadtrip with my sister and nieces.
Then I found out that a good friend from freshman year (though we don't keep as closely in touch as we did then I still care for her) mom has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and has been given until March to live. My heart really goes out to her. I can honestly say I know what its like to lose a parent now...but I can't imagine losing my mom...especially since her dad hasn't exactly been "in the picture" for several years now. My strong support system is the only thing that got me through my dad's illness and death and I hope that she has found a similarly strong support system in her fiance and his family. We are supposed to get together sometime for old time's sake soon. I certainly understand feeling the need for a touch of nostalgia when your world crashes around you. Its nice to think bac to happier more stable times.
The also today it was announced that the drummer left one of my favorite bands, Envy on the Coast. Which got me thinking about how long its been since I've seen them. And that got me thinking about how long its been since I've seen Cartel. And that just generally made me sad about the lack on concerts I've been to lately and how little I am able to see my favorites.


Though this isn't to say that I've spent the past month and few days since my last post moping and being depressed 24/7. I like to think I've only been spending a healthy amount of time moping. Like the Fall Out Boy lyric, "The best of us can find happiness in misery." How true that has been lately. Its been a struggle to find happiness but I'm managing. I went out to dinner and shopping with Emily and Megan Saturday night which was really nice. Its I believe the first time I've left the house for something other then school/work/necessity/family...it was nice to just see a couple of friends and have things return to normal a little. I got some nice yoga/workout pants and agreed to meet with Emily at 730 Tuesday and Thursday mornings at the school gym (because I have to work at 830 and there is no one there that early haha) and some cute shoes on sale.
Also, I got to focus some energy on putting together a care package for my friend who had brain surgery to remove a cyst from her brain from the office that we both work in. It was pretty fun and I even had to end up finding a bigger box then I thought I'd need AND my boss said we could just send it from school since so many people contributed to it and it wouldn't be fair for me to pay to ship the box when just a couple things were from me. It felt good to be able to do something nice for her. She's in Ohio so its not like I can go visit so this is something I can do to hopefully help make her recovery time less boring.
I had tossed around the idea for a bit to go to Paris and Vienna for Spring Break as part of a class because I know it would count towards my International Studies Certificate and it sounded like financial aid would cover some of it. But I ended up deciding against it...partially because my mom said she was a little worried about me going that far away so soon after losing my dad...and also because the fees I thought would be reduced some by financial aid weren't really...so I told my mom that we should start saving money and take trips together and she agreed. So that's exciting. I can't wait until we get to go somewhere exciting!
Also, my dog's obedience classes are going relatively well. The first week was nervewracking because he was definitely the worst dog in the class haha but he has already improved quite a bit which is really great. He's pretty good at sit and down and even got stay pretty well on the first try! Though he kind of reverts back if he has a lot of distractions, but it is really encouraging that he can do any of it because I've never trained a dog before! Plus, he just turned 1 year on February 2nd so my mom and I got him a coupel things like a new collar, some treats, and a couple of toys. He'll also be getting a belated birthday present whenever I get around to getting it...a Cardinals baseball jersey. Here's what it looks like:How cute is that? It even matches the Wainright jersey I have! Which is pretty perfect if you as me. And we can wear them all summer and be all cutsey. I always said if/when I have a kid I'm going to dress them in adorable Cardinals stuff and since Kai is basically my child its only fitting I treat him as such :). At some point in the future I'll probably end up with the collar and leash too. What can I say, I was raised a Cardinals fan and I've certainly got to keep up the tradition my dad passed on to me.

Well I guess that's about all I have the capacity to write now. So hopefully I'll be back soon, and in less then a month and a few days. Off to bed so I'm not dead when I wake up at the crack of dawn in the morning...I may have been insane to agree to 830 :/